Which is what I have always wanted, to avoid seeing him.
It is the only way I can punish him for what he has done to me, but the irony is that he doesn’t give a shit. He isn’t looking for me or trying to contact me. So why would I bother going to those extremes? Anger, bitterness, punishment in case one day years down the road he has regrets or remorse and wants to contact me. None of those motives are particularly healthy, I know, but this is the only control I have. I never had an ounce of control in this process despite the small pieces I tried to champion. Which is part of why I am fighting him so hard on the separation agreement; I want to exact consequences on him for his choices.
|The tiered rice fields of Indonesia|
I delayed getting a job thinking it would all be over sooner rather than later, and actually getting a job and getting back into the workplace coincides with the timing of the start of my crying jags. Not that I resent working per se, or I am incapable in any way. It feels like defeat in a lot of ways, like I am giving up on my dream of moving overseas. It has also triggered a lot of anger towards him that he let me quit my $80,000 a year job, is fighting me on spousal support, and I am working for 50 cents more than minimum wage now in a retail environment. Not really my dream. The people I work with are nice which helps significantly.